1. You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a £3,000 machine gun and a £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford to buy shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean
5. You think vests come in two styles: bulletproof and suicide
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing
8. You were amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbours goat
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Is This The Worst Foul Ever?
An unknown football goalkeeper named Sagu has committed one of the worst fouls ever caught on camera.The US player received a straight red card for the shameful two-footed waist high lunge at an attacking player during an indoor match against La Raza de Monterrey, in America's Major Indoor Soccer League.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Lying About Your Age
Thomas, a 70 year old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the country club with an absolutely gorgeous, breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year old brunette.
She hangs onto his arm and listens intently to his every word.
His usual playing partners and fellow members of the club are baffled and shocked.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Thomas, how did you get the amazing trophy girlfriend?”
To which he replies, “Girlfriend? Hell, she’s not my girlfriend, she’s my wife!”
Disbelieving Thomas, they ask, “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, he replies.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Thomas smiles and says, “Nope, I told her I was 90.”
Friday, February 26, 2010
A Long Time
You arrive in purgatory to find it’s just a typewriter on a desk. As you take your seat, you notice that the C key is glowing faintly.
A demon says, “All you have to do is type the integers, in order: ONE, TWO, THREE, and so on. The first time you strike the C key, you’ll be released into Paradise.”
That doesn’t sound too bad. Assuming it takes 10 seconds on average to type each number (and that you spell each correctly, in English), how much time will pass before you first type the letter C?
The answer:
You’ll type for 300 quintillion years before reaching ONE OCTILLION.
F.Y.I. One octillion is a 1 with 27 zeros after it - 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Britain's Most Smelliest Wee Needed
Who has Britain's most-smelly wee? If you're anything like us, you will never, ever have asked that question once in your entire life. However, Thorpe Park needs to find out for a new attraction - and wants visitors to provide smelly pee samples.
Visitors to the theme park will be offered the opportunity to urinate in small plastic pots at special 'deposit booths', which will then be judged for odour - with the most disgusting urinator winning £500, and the unparalleled honour of having their wee's smell recreated for a new attraction at the park.
Those hoping to achieve immortality in this way are advised by the theme park that good ways of making your urine more pungent include drinking alcohol or coffee, deliberately dehydrating yourself, and eating salty or sugary foods, garlic, or most of all asparagus. (Although they should probably bear in mind that it's thought only about one fifth of the population is genetically capable of smelling the odour produced by eating asparagus.)
The winning smell will join the smell of burning hair and rotting meat in the new attraction, along with other popular entertainments such vibrating floors and electrocution.
Willing pee donors are advised to turn up at Thorpe Park this Friday between 11am – 2pm, with a full bladder. The victorious scent will form part of the park's upcoming SAW Alive attraction, which aims to recreate the nightmarish experience of watching the seemingly endless SAW series of torture-porn films.
Via
Visitors to the theme park will be offered the opportunity to urinate in small plastic pots at special 'deposit booths', which will then be judged for odour - with the most disgusting urinator winning £500, and the unparalleled honour of having their wee's smell recreated for a new attraction at the park.
Those hoping to achieve immortality in this way are advised by the theme park that good ways of making your urine more pungent include drinking alcohol or coffee, deliberately dehydrating yourself, and eating salty or sugary foods, garlic, or most of all asparagus. (Although they should probably bear in mind that it's thought only about one fifth of the population is genetically capable of smelling the odour produced by eating asparagus.)
The winning smell will join the smell of burning hair and rotting meat in the new attraction, along with other popular entertainments such vibrating floors and electrocution.
Willing pee donors are advised to turn up at Thorpe Park this Friday between 11am – 2pm, with a full bladder. The victorious scent will form part of the park's upcoming SAW Alive attraction, which aims to recreate the nightmarish experience of watching the seemingly endless SAW series of torture-porn films.
Via
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Vajazzling is REAL
Vajazzling, a relatively new concept in vaginal adornment. It’s exactly what it sounds like - bedazzling for your vajayjay. The trend exploded when Jennifer Love Hewitt announced that she Vajazzles regularly to feel good about her privates.
So how exactly does a lady get her business Vajazzled? It’s a 2-step process involving some pretty high-tech wax, and then some pretty fabulous Swarovski crystals. But before any crystallization can occur, the entire region gets waxed.
Then little sheets of real Swarovski crystals are applyed to the freshly waxed skin. The bottom of each sheet of crystals has a strong adhesive material that’s completely invisible to the naked eye. Larger areas of crystals are applied directly from a sheet, while more design-specific crystals are painstakingly applied by a tweezer on an individual basis.
Via
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Rickrolling No More
It's been the punchline in thousands of internet pranks, but no more - the original 'RickRoll'D' video of Rick Astley's 80s hit Never Gonna Give You Up has mysteriously vanished from YouTube.
The video, which should have been viewable here, has been taken down, replaced simply with the text: 'This video has been removed due to terms of use violation.'
Rickrolling - in which unwary web users are tricked into clicking a link to the video for the ginger crooner's Never Gonna Give You Up, thinking it's something else - has been a running joke for several years now, and has given Astley an unexpected return to fame.
While the original one has gone, other copies of the video are still live on YouTube - which makes it puzzling why the main video, which had over 30 million (mostly inadvertent) views, would have been removed.
It's not clear exactly when the video vanished, but the Astley-shaped hole in the internet was spotted by the Neowin blog, and Spanish-language blog Geekeados, earlier today.
Granted, it's an unauthorised version of a copyrighted video, but it's not like the copyright violation has only just come to the attention of Pete Waterman Entertainment and RCA Records, the labels behind the track.
Indeed, Astley himself wrote a piece for Time magazine last year thanking moot, the founder of the 4chan messageboards where Rickrolling originated, for his part in giving the song a new lease of life.
And YouTube themselves enthusiastically embraced Rickrolling, redirecting every video on their front page to the original Rickroll video as an April Fools Day prank in 2008.
So why has it been taken down? An overzealous copyright lawyer who didn't understand its significance? An escalation of the long-simmering battle between music labels and YouTube (RCA is part of the Sony Music group)? A technical glitch? Whatever the reason, there's now thousands upon thousands of links out there on the web that, in addition to not pointing to the thing they claimed to, now don't point to anything at all.
25.02.2010 - UPDATE - It's back !!!!
Once folks started noticing that the video had been removed from YouTube, they responded with mixed reactions. Twitter exploded with angry messages from users wondering why YouTube would take the video down now, months after the Rickrolling craze lost steam. Others were happy to see it go, unwittingly telling the world that they were probably victims of the gag on more than one occasion.
But just when many of us lost hope that Rickrolling would ever return, Google issued a statement saying that it had mistakenly removed the video after some YouTube users flagged it as spam. The company immediately placed the video back on its site, which means Rickrolling lives on -- both in the hearts of Web users and on YouTube. Phew.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sujet Salee - The Blind Boxer
Being blind doesn’t stop 29 year old Sujet Salee stepping into the ring to earn a living fighting blindfolded opponents.
Blind boxer Sujet who hails from Surin province, Thailand was born blind and doesn’t think that blindness is a handicap and he has proved just that by winning several matches against blindfolded opponents.
He earns about 1,500 baht (£35) per match.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Longest Fight Video
Do not skip any of this. This is quite possibly the longest fight video I have ever seen. A “Royal Rumble in the Hood” as I would put it.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
A Brave Cowboy
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'
St. Peter was really impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'A couple of minutes ago.'
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'
St. Peter was really impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'A couple of minutes ago.'
Read This Palm You Gypsy Bitch
A Romanian woman was accused of something (I don't speak the language so I can't confirm the charge) and when visited by the police, she slapped one of them. What happens next is very unexpected but extremely funny ....
Friday, February 19, 2010
Things That Piss Me Off
When people say. “life is short.” What? Um, no it isn’t. It’s the longest damn thing they’ll ever do.
When I am waiting in line for the bus and some idiot asks, “hey did the bus come yet?” “Yes, and I decided to stay here and let you know that you missed it.”
Un-sweetened chocolate. Why? Why the hell would they do that? Some cruel joke? It doesn’t matter, just stop making it that way!
Small dogs. Nothing more needs to be said. Fucking small dogs.
Trying to suppress a sneeze when you have diarrhea.
It pisses me off that anytime I sit down to eat a meal. My two cats think they have to shit. One paws at the dried turds when I eat breakfast, then drops off a load. Then at dinner the other one is playing with the morning turd while looking at me, as if saying “try to eat now.” I’ve even tried changing the times I eat. I have found it doesn’t matter if I eat dinner at 2 a.m. or 7 p.m.
People who baby talk to their pets. Animals don’t speak the language and they certainly don’t give a crap if you are mummy and you’re going to wash their wittle bitty baby bum.
People who get mad when driving. They are yelling and calling everyone assholes. Saying things like, “learn to drive asshole!!” Road-rage, makes me want to t-bone his ass into a guard rail.
When I am waiting in line for the bus and some idiot asks, “hey did the bus come yet?” “Yes, and I decided to stay here and let you know that you missed it.”
Un-sweetened chocolate. Why? Why the hell would they do that? Some cruel joke? It doesn’t matter, just stop making it that way!
Small dogs. Nothing more needs to be said. Fucking small dogs.
Trying to suppress a sneeze when you have diarrhea.
It pisses me off that anytime I sit down to eat a meal. My two cats think they have to shit. One paws at the dried turds when I eat breakfast, then drops off a load. Then at dinner the other one is playing with the morning turd while looking at me, as if saying “try to eat now.” I’ve even tried changing the times I eat. I have found it doesn’t matter if I eat dinner at 2 a.m. or 7 p.m.
People who baby talk to their pets. Animals don’t speak the language and they certainly don’t give a crap if you are mummy and you’re going to wash their wittle bitty baby bum.
People who get mad when driving. They are yelling and calling everyone assholes. Saying things like, “learn to drive asshole!!” Road-rage, makes me want to t-bone his ass into a guard rail.
Sentence Structure Is So Important
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, “Mary, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”
“Could you jack off?” she said. “I feel like shit this morning.”
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, “Mary, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”
“Could you jack off?” she said. “I feel like shit this morning.”
10 Reasons Why Men Are So Damn Cool
1. Opening a Jar - You sit there and watch her struggle. She’s stubborn though… she runs it under hot water, taps it on the counter, calls it every name in the book. Then finally, like a beat dog, she lowers her head, slowly walks over to you holding the jar out as if to say, “Please dear God, struggle a little so I don’t feel so bad.” You take a firm grip, twist and pop goes the lid. You hand it back and say with a wink, “You loosened it sweet cheeks!”
2. Having a Scar – It would be best if you had a long knife cut, or a scar from an old bullet wound. When she sees it for the first time and asks, “awe, honey……, did that hurt?” “Nah”, Is all we need to say.
3. Tools - Kinda says it all right there. When the lady nextdoor asks if you can fix her shelves cause she doesn’t know how. You assess the situation, throw out some technical fixin’ shit terms and strap on the tool belt. You walk proud with the tools banging against your legs. When all you really needed were three brackets, screws and your 22 volt cordless drill/driver with keyless chuck, 24 position adjustable torgue clutch. But why not have all your tools wrapped around you like batman’s utility belt. Cool…
4. Parallel Parking – Yes, yes we can. First time, every time. Get out and walk away, without even checking the curb.
5. Beards – Nothing says “he’s cool”, like looking like you just don’t give a shit. Girly men, look at you and you can almost see a tear forming in the corner of their eye. Yea, they know they’re whipped. Nancy’s.
6. Winking – Yes, it’s so cool it turns women into putty, doesn’t it.
7. Duct Tape – As you walk around your workshop. (it’s not a garage) It’s your workshop. Nothing says, “I can fix fucking anything”, like duct tape. Bring it on.
8. Tanks / Cars / Bikes – We know loads of stuff about them. That alone gives you 23716 kick ass cool points.
9. Meat – Women go to the store. They price the meat. (it can take up to 30 minutes) they pick out a big roast, something that will go good with carrots. Men, we kill our own food. Clean it, cook it…… over an open flame!
10. Support groups – We don’t need them to help us pee, unlike women.
BONUS REASON - Men can be ready to go anywhere, at anytime in under two minutes.
2. Having a Scar – It would be best if you had a long knife cut, or a scar from an old bullet wound. When she sees it for the first time and asks, “awe, honey……, did that hurt?” “Nah”, Is all we need to say.
3. Tools - Kinda says it all right there. When the lady nextdoor asks if you can fix her shelves cause she doesn’t know how. You assess the situation, throw out some technical fixin’ shit terms and strap on the tool belt. You walk proud with the tools banging against your legs. When all you really needed were three brackets, screws and your 22 volt cordless drill/driver with keyless chuck, 24 position adjustable torgue clutch. But why not have all your tools wrapped around you like batman’s utility belt. Cool…
4. Parallel Parking – Yes, yes we can. First time, every time. Get out and walk away, without even checking the curb.
5. Beards – Nothing says “he’s cool”, like looking like you just don’t give a shit. Girly men, look at you and you can almost see a tear forming in the corner of their eye. Yea, they know they’re whipped. Nancy’s.
6. Winking – Yes, it’s so cool it turns women into putty, doesn’t it.
7. Duct Tape – As you walk around your workshop. (it’s not a garage) It’s your workshop. Nothing says, “I can fix fucking anything”, like duct tape. Bring it on.
8. Tanks / Cars / Bikes – We know loads of stuff about them. That alone gives you 23716 kick ass cool points.
9. Meat – Women go to the store. They price the meat. (it can take up to 30 minutes) they pick out a big roast, something that will go good with carrots. Men, we kill our own food. Clean it, cook it…… over an open flame!
10. Support groups – We don’t need them to help us pee, unlike women.
BONUS REASON - Men can be ready to go anywhere, at anytime in under two minutes.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Semen Therapy - Swallowing Semen is Good for Your Health
Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.
In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid, over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurrence of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.
"I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act," said Dr. A.J. Kramer of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. "I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurrence of breast cancer in women."
The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.
"Only with regular occurrence will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Helena Shifteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."
What exactly is semen made up of? What does it contain besides sperm?
Semen Content
ascorbic acid (vitamin C, for tissue maintenance)
blood-group antigens (from immune system)
calcium (mineral)
chlorine (oxidizing agent)
cholesterol (steroid alcohol present in body fluids)
chlorine (base, part of the vitamin B complex)
citric acid (occurs during cellular metabolism)
creatine (nitrogenous substance found in muscle)
deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA)
fructose (sugar used for energy)
glutathione (peptide amino acid)
Glycoproteins (cancer fighting agent)
hyaluronidase (enzyme)
inositol (sugar found in muscles)
lactic acid (byproduct of muscle use)
magnesium (mineral)
nitrogen (gas found in all living tissue)
phosphorus (mineral)
prostaglandins (good for pregnancy)
potassium (mineral)
purine (compound of uric acid)
pyrimidine (organic base)
pyruvic acid (formed from either glucose or glycogen)
selenium (cancer fighting agent)
sodium (salt)
sorbitol (body alcohol)
spermidine (catalytic enzyme)
spermine (ammonia compound found in sperm)
urea (from urine)
uric acid (from urine)
vitamin B12 (for proper function of nervous system and metabolism)
zinc (mineral)
Via
Jilted Swedish Woman Arrested For Posting Pictures Of Her Ex-boyfriends Tiny Penis
Police say a jilted Swedish woman was arrested on harassment charges after she posted photos of her ex-boyfriend’s “little” penis on lampposts in his neighbourhood.
According to reports, the 18-year-old was upset that her 24-year-old ex-boyfriend had ended their relationship and decided to enact a revenge plot to humiliate him when he refused to consider a reconciliation.
She posted photos of his penis–which she described as small–along with his name and phone number. Her jealously got the best of her when she later learned of his new 23-year-old girlfriend. That’s when she began hanging up cleavage-revealing photos of his new girlfriend near his home, and labeled the woman as “slut” on the images and wrote that she was only interested in him for sex. And for good measure, she even threw eggs at the man’s car.
Police said she admitted to the charges and acknowledged that she knew her activities were illegal.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Dude Gets His Ass Kicked By A Senior Citizen
Thomas Bruso, aka Vietnam Tom, aka Epic Beard Man, may be the baddest - and craziest - 67 year old man on the planet. Whether Bruso's getting tased at a baseball game, or dishing out public transit pain, one thing is for sure - he is a motherf*@ker.
Here he is from an earlier incident, getting tased at a baseball game.
The Pope And Tiger Woods
The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. “However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”.
Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.
“Sorry about the mix up”, apologies the Pope “No problem” replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: “I am really anxious to get to heaven”
Tiger: “Why is that?”
Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary”
Tiger: “You’re a day late”
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. “However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”.
Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.
“Sorry about the mix up”, apologies the Pope “No problem” replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: “I am really anxious to get to heaven”
Tiger: “Why is that?”
Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary”
Tiger: “You’re a day late”
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