Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Health Q & A's
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it… don't waste those beats on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What do cow's eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chops can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.. Beer is also made of grain. So bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, then your is ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Food is fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, please explain whales to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it… don't waste those beats on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What do cow's eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chops can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.. Beer is also made of grain. So bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, then your is ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Food is fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, please explain whales to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!
Woman Sues For 'Exploding' Toilet
A woman is suing Chicago's regional rail system for injuries sustained when a toilet she used "exploded" underneath her.
In a complaint filed in Cook County Circuit Court in Illinois, Julianna Mandernach accuses the Chicago Metra line of negligently allowing public access to the train's baleful bowl when it knew — or should have known — the toilet was in desperate need of repair.
Mandernach claims after flushing the toilet aboard the Chicago to Rock Island line, "the contents of the toilet exploded out of the toilet and splattered the plaintiff" resulting in "sustained injuries of a personal and pecuniary nature."
Her suit seeks unspecified damages and court costs from Metra for its alleged failure to repair and replace the toilet.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Top Ten Best Remarks by Golf Caddies
10 – Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in that lake..”
Caddie: “Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?”
9 – Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddie: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
8 – Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddie: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
7 – Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddie: “Eventually.”
6 – Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy int he world.”
Caddie: “I don’t think so sir, that would be too much of a coincidence.”
5 – Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, it’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch, it’s a compass.”
4 – Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddie: “It’s very good sir, but personally, I prefer playing golf.”
3 – Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddie: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
2 – Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddie: “This isn’t the golf course sir, we left that an hour ago..”
1 – Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddie: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
Caddie: “Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?”
9 – Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddie: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
8 – Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddie: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
7 – Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddie: “Eventually.”
6 – Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy int he world.”
Caddie: “I don’t think so sir, that would be too much of a coincidence.”
5 – Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, it’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch, it’s a compass.”
4 – Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddie: “It’s very good sir, but personally, I prefer playing golf.”
3 – Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddie: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
2 – Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddie: “This isn’t the golf course sir, we left that an hour ago..”
1 – Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddie: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
Thursday, January 28, 2010
A Joke For Osama Bin Laden
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an English engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The English engineer says, "Fill it with water."
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The English engineer says, "Fill it with water."
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Stig Spotted At Loch Ness
Finally, a photo from Loch Ness has conclusively proved the existence of one of Britain's most mystical creatures... The Stig.
That's right, the tamed Top Gear racing driver has been snapped by Google's Street View as it mapped the banks of the famous Scottish loch.
Wearing his trademark white racing suit and helmet The Stig can be seen standing with his arms folded looking away from the Loch and directly at the Google camera.
Seemingly oblivious to his holiday hotspot behind him, The Stig appears to be much more engrossed in traffic whizzing past him on the A82.
Click here to go direct to Google's Street View Live Page
Terrorist Alert Levels, British Edition
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels and this is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British Army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Stiff Leg Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!” Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper planes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath). New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “fuck”, I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Two more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels and this is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British Army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Stiff Leg Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!” Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper planes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath). New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “fuck”, I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Two more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
He Said. She Said
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
She said . . . What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
She said . . . What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Fight For This Love (Spoof)
Gareth Mason stars as Cheryl Cole in the Re-Make of her Fight For this Love Video
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