Its Competition Time .... Win 4 Silverstone Tickets

Your chance to win 4 tickets to the Renault World Series at Silverstone on Saturday the 4th and Sunday the 5th of July, you can use these tickets for either day or go both days if you wish. Children who are under 16 and accompanied by an adult do not need a ticket

Renault's massive motorsport festival promises to be one of the hottest shows of the year. High speed laps by their FIA Formula One R28 car will be the daily crowning glory to a fabulous race programme featuring every Renault championship from the Clio Cup and Megane Trophy to Formula Renault and the shattering World Series Cars. And Renault's rich sporting history will be celebrated when a very special array of stars and cars from the past - racing, rallying and record-breaking - takes to the track.

Off circuit, you can sample their F1 race simulators, take part in the F1 Pit Stop Challenge, collect autographs from the racing drivers, learn about Renault's developments in safety and the environment and enjoy the free funfair.

On display will be their latest product line ups as well as a selection of the very best used Renaults. You can also admire hundreds of classic and performance Renaults from the many collectors clubs at home and abroad.

To win all you need to do is email me bigredkev with your funniest pictures, interesting stories, jokes etc and I will pick the best one and post it up on here.

Competition closes on the 12th June 2009 and winners will be notified via email. Good luck ......

Unfortunately tickets can only be posted to UK entries only

Please tell me that's a vegetable sprouting from her pants!!!!

This is so cute

If you have heard anything about UK politics recently you will understand the above. So far about 26 MP's have been caught fiddling their expenses and I bet more will be found.

Wow my kind of furniture ....

How many legs can you count ?

Via

Motorcycle vs Car

This is way I hate motorcycles as you just dont have any protection ....



I do hope whoever was involved in this survived

The dishwasher

I always wondered how it worked ....

Interesting facts (part 11)

On average, a 4-year-old child asks 437 questions a day.

The tip of a 2cm long hour-hand on a wristwatch travels at 0.00000275 mph

There is about 200 times more gold in the worlds oceans, than has been mined in our entire history.

Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.

Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.

The cockroach has a high resistance to radiation and is the creature most likely to survive a nuclear war.

Diversity Winners Britain's got Talent 2009

Quite surprisingly Diversity won Britain's got Talent tonight, Susan Boyle came second. Diversity were at odds of 20/1 to win, Susan Boyle was the bookies favourite to win.

Too much drink is bad for you .....

You've both been drinking heavily all day.........

you get back to her place..........

she heads upstairs to slip into something more comfortable...........

it seems like she's been gone forever........

you head up expecting to seal the deal............


the question is........



would you still do her ??

A boil on your willy !!!

My mate has had to see the doctor after a recurring nightmare.

It is so frightning he wakes up screaming and crying.

He dreams he has a boil on his willy.

But it's not just any boil, it's Susan Boyle!

Yeah right, that makes it faster, NOT !!!!

The gay test

Curves a cereal that turns you white ...

I think this is classed as a photoshop fail !!!!

Via

Aidan Davis Britain's got Talent 2009 semi final winner

He is only 12 years old and is a self taught street style dancer. Some pretty cool moves from this young lad, you never know he might win it ....

Bad parking ....

After looking on "youtube" I could be posting for ever .... Why are these people allowed driving licences, they are f%%cking idiots !!!

However I have to justify my actions and show that it's not always women, sorry ....

After watching the last video, what should I say ???? The bloke is a prick and should be shot ....

Really useful moving tips ...

Via

Really bad taste joke, sorry ....

A spastic goes to the ice cream van and says "I would like an ice cream please"

"What flavour?" Replies the ice cream man.

"Doesn't matter, I'm only going to drop the fucker anyway!"

It's a tip worth remembering ....

Interesting facts (part 10)

The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their head's are the rabbit and the parrot.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

If a colouring agent was not added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over theParliament building is an American flag.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Damien Walters 2009 showcase

I know this video is plastered all over the net at the moment but this guy is just amazing !!!

Ruff night ?

Whoops ....

Calling all female drivers

Reward offered

Fractured penises, the dangers of Daggering

I had never heard of this until today and yes I already know I am slow. It's the latest dance craze in Jamaica. It’s kind of a dance where men basically pummel women on the dance floor with their groins.

It's a sort of Dogging but without the sex ...

Jamaican doctors have warned of the dangers of daggering, after being presented with a forest of fractured penises over the last year.

A doctor at Kingston Public Hospital said that “During very rigorous daggering the man can hit the woman’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling.”

It's caused such problems that the Jamaican government has banned it. Earlier in the year they outlawed all songs that refer to “Daggering” on radio, television and live performances as well.

This video was posted only last week, so I dont think the ban is working, there are many more on youtube if you search for them ...

I personnaly don't see the fun in it but I am an old moany geezer !!!!

Batgirl

Communication Breakdown...

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.

After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking, "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinkin, "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

NTL complaint letter (NTL now Virginmedia is a UK cable provider)

This is supposed to be a copy of a complaint letter that was received by NTL, I don't know how true that is, but it's still very funny.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,

Yours psychotically,

John Doe [editor's note: name changed to protect the innocent]

It's Bikini season ....

Politically Incorrect Advertising

No fuss, to the point racist packaging. What you see here is an old Norwegian brand of tar/varnish used on wood burning ovens. It's been out of production for a good while now, (I wonder why?) but boxes like this can still be found tucked away in old dusty closets in Norway.





With divorce rates as high as they are in Norway (and in the US where this ad comes from, unsurprisingly), I guess I should be OK with this ad, but I'm having a hard time. Even if it's humorous, there's of course certain bit of truth in this ad. Trying to increase earnings by advertising divorce, something which few if any people or cultures in the world consider to be positive thing, well, that just seems like a crappy way of making money.

I am not going to try it ....

Well you were warned ....

Cute lap dancer

Stavros Flatley-Britain's Got Talent 2009 Live Semi Final 26th May

Masturbate ....

Interesting facts (part 9)

The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites.

Just twenty seconds worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11's lunar module landed on the moon.

Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day.

Every year the sun loses 360 million tons.

If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.

Vampire baby ?????

Just how stupid can people be ? If this is real I am very worried, perhaps this person will grow up and become a banker, you all know it now makes sense ....

There's a crack in your lense

Masturbation .... (you need to see the next post below) to understand

Now you know what the guy above does with it ....

DJ Talent, well it's a matter of opinion

Now your back to work, can you spot your boss ....

I never said I was bright ....

I bought a deodorant stick today.

I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions.

It said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'

I'm in casualty at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!

When tree hugger's take it too far ...

This is what today is all about

Stating the obvious ....

Drugs .......

Discrimination Against Women

I strongly object to this discrimination , not ....

It's men who are stupid ....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Comma sutra

Interesting facts (part 8)

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

Happy May Day Holiday

Kids of today and why we are considered uncool ....

I still prefer my pants to cover my bottom....

How geekish is this ....

Amaze your friends

Be the first to tell them, however its depends on which calender you use-

If you use the British calender:

At five minutes and six seconds after 4am on the 7th of August this year, the time and date will be: 04:05:06-07/08/09.

If you use the US calender it will happen on:

At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July this year, the time and date will be: 04:05:06-07/08/09.

This will not happen again for another 1000 years, so I am told !!!

It's all about your name .....

A woman scans the guests at a party and spots an attractive man standing alone.

She approaches him and says, 'Hi my name is Carmen.'

'That's a beautiful name, 'he replies, is it a family name ?'

'No,' she says. 'I gave it to myself, it reflects the things I like most, cars and men.'

'What's your name ?' she asks.

He replies, "Beercunt."

I need one of these, does anyone know where I can get one ?

It doesn't work ......

The difference between Guts & Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below......

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and then asking her: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

However medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

Damm that evil Buzz Man !!!

Can you spot the EMO ?

Racing car driver

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed.

He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter ? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed ?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman.

"In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, what perfect headlights. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, what a smooth finish."

"What's wrong with that ?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, who the hell left the garage door open ?"

I don't think so ....

Summer BBQ

Please note that at this year's summer BBQ there will be only one drink per person, please bring your own cup.

No worries, we have got that sorted .......

World's smallest Police Station

You have been Hoffed .....

Cornography

Good questions (part 3)

If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like ?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes ?

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road ?

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner instead of chasing Road-Runner ?

How can you hear yourself think ?

If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?

Don't do it !!!!!

Just in case you've ever been tempted...

Synchronized office exercises, Russian style

Carlsberg .... it gives you huge man boobs probably !!!